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Things I Think Of When I'm Bored

One of the biggest ironies of being lazy is that I also get bored easily. I'm not talking every so often, once in a blue moon or even infrequently; I'm talking pure multiple times a day. It's okay, though, don't worry about me - it usually passes, and then I'm back to being my lazy self.

It's the circle of life.

Anyhoo, the top ten Things I'm Thinking About Right Now Because I'm Bored. And no, they aren't numbered for any other reason than I need to stop when I get to ten. Okay, here goes.

1. Kenny Rogers used to look like The Gambler. Now he looks like the Wizard of Oz. What the hell?!? I tell you one thing - the icons from my youth are falling one by one, and they're falling HARD.

2. Incomplete list of random guys I sort of hero-worship: William Shatner, Neil Peart, both Disney and post-Disney Kurt Russell, Steve McQueen, the Six Million Dollar Man, Cary Grant in North by Northwest, Roger Staubach and Bruce Willis. If you don't know who they are: that's what Google's for. I can't do all the work for you.

3. My Top Five Books, Subject To Change Like The Wind (Maybe As Early As Tomorrow): "The Bible" by Bunch of Ancient God-Inspired Guys; "To Kill A Mockingbird" by Harper Lee; "The Stand" by Stephen King; "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkien and "Fight Club" by Chuck Palahniuk.

4. Stephen King could have had two on that list if he'd ended "IT" with the same quality he started it. The first 800 or so pages of that book contained the best, most dead-on portrayal of adolescent coming-of-age I've ever read; after that kind of investment (I repeat, 800 plus pages), imagine my surprise to find out spiders, turtles and time travel was behind "IT" all.

5. I might just have to go see Van Halen reunited with David Lee Roth. We'll have fun, fun, fun till the disgruntlement takes our lead singer away. Again.

6. Coolest Song Ever: Crystal Blue Persuasion by Tommy James and the Shondells. There's no denying it. Just give in; it's only a matter of time until you do anyway.

7. I don't know how it worked out this way, me being a natural-born idiot and all, but somehow I wound up with a wonderful, beautiful wife who complements the best parts of me and puts up with, well, all the other parts. Hey, I don't question; I just sit back and smile.

8. Funny movie moment time out: "I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!" Enjoy.

9. Terence Newman is one thing*, but I don't think I'd get on Bradie James' bad side even if you gave me good money, butterflies and lollipops the rest of my days. Poor Jon Kitna. We barely knew ye - at least as a healthy Lions QB.

*Not that I could take Terence Newman, either.

10. Power walking. What the hell is that, anyway? It's not the elbows-up motion, I could get behind that. I mean, you could pretend you were punching somebody if you wanted to. Eye of the tiger, and all that. But you've got to be kidding me with that butt motion. It's like the opposite of the air punching, only, instead of fists, you've got butt cheeks punching BEHIND you, presumably providing some kind of propulsion. Anyway, anything that looks that odd can't be natural body movement. Hmmm. Butt air-punches that propel you forward. I guarantee you, someone has made money off that idea.

Well, that's it for another edition of ... ah hell, you know as well as I do that this is the first edition ever. If you've read this far - and you have Sean Connery's pity** if you have - just know that you'll never get the last couple minutes of your life back.

You're welcome.



  1. And so it occurs to me that you really, REALLY, should be a writer for Woot. Quirky, irreverent. Yep. You should send in your resume today.

  2. i'm pretty sure we all know who puts up with the most in this marriage. i love you, too, honey!

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